BONFIRE SESSION 6: UNSTEADY

An interplay of animosity, happiness, sheer platonic moment followed by the replay of the first two is what life has been so far. It was an unsteady stride to eternity—an excruciating clamour for freedom and relief in the midst of a lingering darkness.

I must be the most ungrateful being thinking that conditions are worst today than it was before but sometimes the complexity of everything just gets in my way (or probably my psychological bias dictates the whole perspective). Eight months have passed since I took that leap of faith. It was the ultimate gamble I have ever taken and today as I look back that day I took my foot off from my comfort zone I still feel the chills and that suction to the abyss of uncertainty.

Days moved so fast, they slipped like water running through the boulders of a river. In those eight months, I felt both death and life. I’ve lost myself in the process of getting better and turned out to be a total failure for trying to juggle everything within my reach. Before the eight months, I have wasted too much time developing nothing. I have indulged in incompetent life and have taken a huge step back to the barbaric days of irresponsible living. Today, it claimed a huge price and I am paying it big time. I have to move through that eight months conquering myself; fighting the demons I created for myself.

8 months later

I am still breathing but struggling with all my might to stabilize my unreliable judgment. Too much negativity has eaten me up and the drama and loneliness of being away from home just made the whole situation worse. I know I want to be in that place and pursue the life I have always desired but I cannot do that with my current set-ups. I need to be financially free first and to be tough enough to command my life.

The only way is to embrace what is on hand and to live the life I have chosen for the meantime. This is not a bad life after all. I am blessed with a job, family, and friends.  The game plan should be geared towards finding the joy in everything I do while I take not only professional lessons but as well as life’s wisdom. I will take everything as a challenge as I continue to pay off my obligations and build the empire I have envisioned for myself and my family. This is already life happening before me and if I let this consume me then I am not living at all.

I might be very unsteady today but I know somehow, anyhow things will get better and by the time I reach that destination I am setting for myself, I will be glad that it was not the gold at the end of the road which makes this journey worthwhile but the person I have ultimately become.

BONFIRE SESSION 05: THE ENDING

Bonfire Session 05

For the first time in seven months, I felt the stir has settled in a manageable condition. I am tempted to fill this white space with office shits and life’s crap but a tiny voice inside me tells me I made those and I better shred them inside before I throw it out somewhere unrecoverable. Now, I want to write something uncommon (but I probably have written it somewhere). I want to write the ending.

[Wait, I’ll take a nap]

[Back at the computer]

Ending; some fear it. Some crave for it badly. I am in between. The fact that if I reach the end of the road of this journey it would be tantamount to no to little remaining time and that scares me. Meanwhile, experiencing tons of suffering, I am eager to arrive at the destination. In between those, I am caught in a complex and soul-ripping space.

THE ENDING

I am sitting on our patio, sipping my freshly brewed coffee while I watched each passerby throwing a smile at me. I sliced a portion of my mocha muffin and taste its subtle yet enticing flavour. It is three in the afternoon but the sun is not that cruel—glaring yet forgiving. A breeze from my west felt like unadulterated freedom. I heard my family preparing their afternoon snacks at the kitchen. They were merry but all I can hear is the noise of laughter united in one blending hymn. I look at the blue sky and found a kite flying from afar. Boldness and security stunned me at the momentary steadiness of my immediate sphere.

My family joins me outside and we talk about the weekend plan. “barbeque? Grilled fish? And some tomatoes on the sauce? I thought that would be amazing. I smiled and they continue talking as I  took the keys from my pocket. I’m taking a drive I told them. They smiled and ask me if I could buy some chips for tonight’s movie marathon. I agreed.

It is the music of that familiar soundtrack that played on the stereo. I opened the window to feel the warm afternoon. I felt the air. I felt the oneness of the universe with my soul. I remember the dark times, good times, and not so pleasant things which happened to me some time ago. They are there but they no longer control me. Those events and people are left in that place. I wish them well. I look at them from afar and I told them with all composure. I’m sorry but thank you.

I arrive at the supermarket. I passed by the station where I usually buy my favourite sweet corn. I prefer it with the cob so I could taste it in its semi-natural form. I enjoyed it as I pass through the store where I usually spend my remaining allowance way back in college. I smiled. I did not turn out to be someone I should be but I am definitely the best version of myself. I am exactly who I am. I get everything I needed including one piece of Boston Crème from Dunkin. It is turn out to be my favourite way back in the grinding days. Before I went home, I passed by one of the underrated places, I chilled once or twice. It is overlooking and I can vividly see the spaces of unchained existence. I watched the sun bid farewell to the day and ordered one bottle of cold beer just to kill the time. I take every second as a gift of what I have sacrificed and worked for. The beer has spell-bounded my innocence, and as the guitar strings went berserk, I find myself caught in this moment of liberty, peace, and internal happiness. I am here. I am free and I fully own my life.

I arrive home. I kiss my parents and prepared the dinner table for our evening meal. The story-telling session continues over the meal. The night was spent watching a movie. I pass the last movie and stayed in the attic for the night. I watched the universe unfolds its beauty while Gin’s “As long as it matters” is playing over my background. I realize how small I am yet how important it is that I serve my purpose. It is not only something I owe myself, my family and God but a call I am bestowed to strike my light to the universe. I lay on my bed and think again of the path behind. It was rough and sometimes unbearable but I did survive. Right now, experiencing what I have been dreaming off, I realize I only had simple dreams, simple happiness and yet they are so valuable that I did everything to get here. I just want to have freedom to do what I want, to have inner peace, and to share that happiness with the people I valued.

I say a prayer and before I finally close my eyes to sleep. I said to myself “Tomorrow is another day to inspire people, to help them realize their potentials, to show them an alternative path, to help them find their voice. Tomorrow is another day to free them.

Bonfire Session 03: Both Worlds

Bonfire Session 03

It was almost 1 a.m.

No, I am not sitting along the shore

Or star-gazing at universe’s beauty;

No, I am not facing the bonfire

I am inside my flat…

At 1 a.m. in my former city, I still can see people walking with enthusiasm along the street. Some are already drunk while others are just trying to get by with chitchats and activities to help them forget about their lives. There are children playing under the moonlight while worried parents are waiting for them home. The street is a picture of celebration and loss—enticingly alluring yet hauntingly heartrending. Today, I couldn’t put into words my immediate space. It is empty. At momentary instances, there are cars that drive by but vanish at once. I tried to think how both worlds existed in my head and how I manage to survive.

Countless times during the day and extremely infinite during free time, I think of two worlds existing in a parallel fashion. One space is the reality I have chosen and the other I have forgone. I always try to virtually jump into that world and try to relive the ‘what could have been’ while I live in the present. I blast myself to that place where I did not choose to stay and evaluate the feel, the rightness or wrongness or I don’t know how to spell it. Most of the time I spent living in two worlds where I experience both joy and tremendous sadness, probably because I have to physiologically pick only one from both equally valid choices and which provide different spheres of actualization and fulfillment.

Red or Blue: I Could Not Have Both

No matter how I push it hard, I have chosen one; not because I want to but that’s how this universe operates—red pill or blue pill.

I did leave home. I am working overseas. I might want to stay and savor quality time with my family and friends but that won’t save us today; that won’t liberate me. For the longest time, I continuously contest my choice. I fool myself that had I remained I could still meet the essentials, but now it is evident---it is close to impossible.

It was not the first time I am confronted with two worlds. In the past after choosing one, I continue to live in the other dimension through my mind; in that way, I get by and I live. Today it was different, I made a straight decision. I cannot live both worlds inside my head. I need to embrace and live out the other when redemption comes.

The decision I had made and the inclusions of it never really made sense until this moment. Now, I understand that I need to spearhead change and rewrite the story of my life, as well as my family. I will be the shield while our defenses take some regular maintenance. I will be the warrior who will build the pipelines of our long-term streams. I am now part of the front-liners.

Everything around me might not be the way I have envisioned it to be but somehow I am convinced that this world has brewed something special. One day, when it is permissible, I will again attempt to cross over and lived that other world but on this time with a new whole me and a story written differently.

Bonfire Session 02: Middle Part

Bonfire Session 02.

I’ve never felt this cold before, like literally. It’s like a huge ice berg lurks inside my soul. At different times during the day, I lose my senses, and then a flash of vagueness consumes me followed by a swift regain of sanity. This middle part madness just purges every vein in me.

It’s Easter Sunday and I am at work.

Any time during the day, my boss would appear to check the outcome of my rookie assignments and the usual 50-50 chances of a shout or ‘no comment’ is at stake. Well, that would matter less at this point. Any form of assault could never cross my barrier at this state of anxiousness. Earlier, I received a message that my father is admitted to the hospital for some bacterial infections brought by his previous operation and probably exposure to stress. What could be more compelling than that on an Easter? Nothing (at this instance)!

Despite the circumstances, I still give an attempt to function today. I open my financial spreadsheet and check my figures. I close it after a few minutes. It’s still a whirlwind catastrophic scene as I expected. My last big-time flat move out costs me money I could have paid for two creditors but of course at this stage there’s nothing much I can do.

Thinking:

[With a career I don’t really know where it is heading to, an ongoing financial reformation, and challenges faced by the family, I must say this middle part is not as easy as I expected it to be.]

When I took a leap of faith to rehabilitate my dysfunctional life and to build the life I desire for myself and my family, I have pictured out the destination and how the ending would look like. I imagined myself with my family enjoying the beaches of my country and waking up in our home with the smell of sun-side up eggs, fresh bread, tomatoes, and brewed coffee. That end scene is so enticing that I shun and forgot the middle part—the chapter which will ultimately define the achievement of the last scene.

Oh, Middle Part!

How I wish I could just skip the middle part and blast my way to the destination, but of course such wishful thinking is absurd. I have read a number of times that ‘it is not the end but the journey which matters’. Did they mean the ‘middle part’? because right now that does not make any sense to me, even this journal is not making any sense at all. If I am meant to suffer the middle part for a great curtain call, then what’s that supposed to amount to?

I really don’t know. Maybe, this span is design for me to figure out what life is all about and how I would act upon it. This extended period has not only knocked me down but has showed me a complete reflection of myself. During these clouded moments of despair and uncertainty, I have remembered my strengths and at the same time recognized my weaknesses. I have seen my soul fight and fly under extreme adversities and realized I was not that stupid at all.

The middle part is not a place I want to stay but it is molding me to be the person deserving of a grand finale. This space has drawn me the opposite portrait of my dreams at the same time has tested my willpower and belief not to accept what’s on hand but to paint my own masterpiece.

Displaced Thoughts

Scars thicken my armor

Suffering took away my humor

Pain sharpened my sword

And I am left with no word