BONFIRE SESSION 6: UNSTEADY

An interplay of animosity, happiness, sheer platonic moment followed by the replay of the first two is what life has been so far. It was an unsteady stride to eternity—an excruciating clamour for freedom and relief in the midst of a lingering darkness.

I must be the most ungrateful being thinking that conditions are worst today than it was before but sometimes the complexity of everything just gets in my way (or probably my psychological bias dictates the whole perspective). Eight months have passed since I took that leap of faith. It was the ultimate gamble I have ever taken and today as I look back that day I took my foot off from my comfort zone I still feel the chills and that suction to the abyss of uncertainty.

Days moved so fast, they slipped like water running through the boulders of a river. In those eight months, I felt both death and life. I’ve lost myself in the process of getting better and turned out to be a total failure for trying to juggle everything within my reach. Before the eight months, I have wasted too much time developing nothing. I have indulged in incompetent life and have taken a huge step back to the barbaric days of irresponsible living. Today, it claimed a huge price and I am paying it big time. I have to move through that eight months conquering myself; fighting the demons I created for myself.

8 months later

I am still breathing but struggling with all my might to stabilize my unreliable judgment. Too much negativity has eaten me up and the drama and loneliness of being away from home just made the whole situation worse. I know I want to be in that place and pursue the life I have always desired but I cannot do that with my current set-ups. I need to be financially free first and to be tough enough to command my life.

The only way is to embrace what is on hand and to live the life I have chosen for the meantime. This is not a bad life after all. I am blessed with a job, family, and friends.  The game plan should be geared towards finding the joy in everything I do while I take not only professional lessons but as well as life’s wisdom. I will take everything as a challenge as I continue to pay off my obligations and build the empire I have envisioned for myself and my family. This is already life happening before me and if I let this consume me then I am not living at all.

I might be very unsteady today but I know somehow, anyhow things will get better and by the time I reach that destination I am setting for myself, I will be glad that it was not the gold at the end of the road which makes this journey worthwhile but the person I have ultimately become.

Bonfire Session 03: Both Worlds

Bonfire Session 03

It was almost 1 a.m.

No, I am not sitting along the shore

Or star-gazing at universe’s beauty;

No, I am not facing the bonfire

I am inside my flat…

At 1 a.m. in my former city, I still can see people walking with enthusiasm along the street. Some are already drunk while others are just trying to get by with chitchats and activities to help them forget about their lives. There are children playing under the moonlight while worried parents are waiting for them home. The street is a picture of celebration and loss—enticingly alluring yet hauntingly heartrending. Today, I couldn’t put into words my immediate space. It is empty. At momentary instances, there are cars that drive by but vanish at once. I tried to think how both worlds existed in my head and how I manage to survive.

Countless times during the day and extremely infinite during free time, I think of two worlds existing in a parallel fashion. One space is the reality I have chosen and the other I have forgone. I always try to virtually jump into that world and try to relive the ‘what could have been’ while I live in the present. I blast myself to that place where I did not choose to stay and evaluate the feel, the rightness or wrongness or I don’t know how to spell it. Most of the time I spent living in two worlds where I experience both joy and tremendous sadness, probably because I have to physiologically pick only one from both equally valid choices and which provide different spheres of actualization and fulfillment.

Red or Blue: I Could Not Have Both

No matter how I push it hard, I have chosen one; not because I want to but that’s how this universe operates—red pill or blue pill.

I did leave home. I am working overseas. I might want to stay and savor quality time with my family and friends but that won’t save us today; that won’t liberate me. For the longest time, I continuously contest my choice. I fool myself that had I remained I could still meet the essentials, but now it is evident---it is close to impossible.

It was not the first time I am confronted with two worlds. In the past after choosing one, I continue to live in the other dimension through my mind; in that way, I get by and I live. Today it was different, I made a straight decision. I cannot live both worlds inside my head. I need to embrace and live out the other when redemption comes.

The decision I had made and the inclusions of it never really made sense until this moment. Now, I understand that I need to spearhead change and rewrite the story of my life, as well as my family. I will be the shield while our defenses take some regular maintenance. I will be the warrior who will build the pipelines of our long-term streams. I am now part of the front-liners.

Everything around me might not be the way I have envisioned it to be but somehow I am convinced that this world has brewed something special. One day, when it is permissible, I will again attempt to cross over and lived that other world but on this time with a new whole me and a story written differently.