Bonfire Session 02.
I’ve never felt this cold before, like
literally. It’s like a huge ice berg lurks inside my soul. At different times
during the day, I lose my senses, and then a flash of vagueness consumes me
followed by a swift regain of sanity. This middle part madness just purges
every vein in me.
It’s Easter Sunday and I am at work.
Any time during the day, my boss would appear
to check the outcome of my rookie assignments and the usual 50-50 chances of a
shout or ‘no comment’ is at stake. Well, that would matter less at this point.
Any form of assault could never cross my barrier at this state of anxiousness. Earlier,
I received a message that my father is admitted to the hospital for some
bacterial infections brought by his previous operation and probably exposure to
stress. What could be more compelling than that on an Easter? Nothing (at this
instance)!
Despite the circumstances, I still give
an attempt to function today. I open my financial spreadsheet and check my
figures. I close it after a few minutes. It’s still a whirlwind catastrophic scene
as I expected. My last big-time flat move out costs me money I could have paid
for two creditors but of course at this stage there’s nothing much I can do.
Thinking:
[With
a career I don’t really know where it is heading to, an ongoing financial
reformation, and challenges faced by the family, I must say this middle part is
not as easy as I expected it to be.]
When I took a leap of faith to
rehabilitate my dysfunctional life and to build the life I desire for myself
and my family, I have pictured out the destination and how the ending would
look like. I imagined myself with my family enjoying the beaches of my country
and waking up in our home with the smell of sun-side up eggs, fresh bread,
tomatoes, and brewed coffee. That end scene is so enticing that I shun and
forgot the middle part—the chapter which will ultimately define the achievement
of the last scene.
Oh,
Middle Part!
How I wish I could just skip the middle
part and blast my way to the destination, but of course such wishful thinking
is absurd. I have read a number of times that ‘it is not the end but the
journey which matters’. Did they mean the ‘middle part’? because right now that
does not make any sense to me, even this journal is not making any sense at
all. If I am meant to suffer the middle part for a great curtain call, then
what’s that supposed to amount to?
I really don’t know. Maybe, this span is
design for me to figure out what life is all about and how I would act upon it.
This extended period has not only knocked me down but has showed me a complete
reflection of myself. During these clouded moments of despair and uncertainty,
I have remembered my strengths and at the same time recognized my weaknesses. I
have seen my soul fight and fly under extreme adversities and realized I was
not that stupid at all.
The middle part is not a place I want to
stay but it is molding me to be the person deserving of a grand finale. This
space has drawn me the opposite portrait of my dreams at the same time has
tested my willpower and belief not to accept what’s on hand but to paint my own
masterpiece.
Displaced
Thoughts
Scars
thicken my armor
Suffering
took away my humor
Pain
sharpened my sword
And
I am left with no word