BONFIRE SESSION 06: Wrong Decision Aftermath

I think I made a wrong decision.

I find it hard to admit but yes I made a wrong decision this time. A year ago, I was reflecting or somehow deliberating if I should take the path of the crowd and ended up joining the bandwagon. My good friends decided to work overseas. Some of them have left my home country two years ahead of me. Last year, I and a good friend decided to fly out which from the start I thought was never a good idea—a wrong decision.

During the preparation process, I always battle with my mind and rationalize that the decision of working abroad is a must. I can help my parents financially, pay some of my financial obligations, and save money for the future. Those reasons had led me to finally seal my faith through a 2-year contract.

It’s been a year now. I send home a decent amount to my family, pay some obligations and save a little but my general perception about my life is it did not take off to any better grounds. Professionally, I did not grow. Emotionally, I took two backward steps. Socially, I held back and was limited to my current circles. All these self-thought factors equated to how I judged the whole scenario as a wrong decision.

Do I have a choice not to take the move?

Yes.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful (probably, I am) but maybe my life would have been different had I stayed. Regret? I don’t know. It’s too early for that and I might find something valuable with this experience. They say there are blessings in disguise of a wrong decision or a life’s catastrophe. As for me, I am still waiting for mine.

Had I not taken the road, I see myself still earning small but I also envision myself working my hardest. I see myself joining financial literacy group which will help me alleviate not just my life but the life of many people. Though it is a wrong decision to stay in a low paying income, I think the impact of the move will be mitigated by another pursuit like helping one’s self, others, and the fact that I am with my family.

I can’t trust my thought but as of this moment, I think I made a wrong decision on the ground that I did not pursue what truly matters because I have always believed even if I failed on something I really want, it won’t matter less since I exactly doing what inspires me. I can’t change what has been done but I can always draw something valuable from a wrong decision like experience, learning, and wisdom. At the end of the day, maybe, just maybe, it is not a wrong decision after all.

BONFIRE SESSION 6: UNSTEADY

An interplay of animosity, happiness, sheer platonic moment followed by the replay of the first two is what life has been so far. It was an unsteady stride to eternity—an excruciating clamour for freedom and relief in the midst of a lingering darkness.

I must be the most ungrateful being thinking that conditions are worst today than it was before but sometimes the complexity of everything just gets in my way (or probably my psychological bias dictates the whole perspective). Eight months have passed since I took that leap of faith. It was the ultimate gamble I have ever taken and today as I look back that day I took my foot off from my comfort zone I still feel the chills and that suction to the abyss of uncertainty.

Days moved so fast, they slipped like water running through the boulders of a river. In those eight months, I felt both death and life. I’ve lost myself in the process of getting better and turned out to be a total failure for trying to juggle everything within my reach. Before the eight months, I have wasted too much time developing nothing. I have indulged in incompetent life and have taken a huge step back to the barbaric days of irresponsible living. Today, it claimed a huge price and I am paying it big time. I have to move through that eight months conquering myself; fighting the demons I created for myself.

8 months later

I am still breathing but struggling with all my might to stabilize my unreliable judgment. Too much negativity has eaten me up and the drama and loneliness of being away from home just made the whole situation worse. I know I want to be in that place and pursue the life I have always desired but I cannot do that with my current set-ups. I need to be financially free first and to be tough enough to command my life.

The only way is to embrace what is on hand and to live the life I have chosen for the meantime. This is not a bad life after all. I am blessed with a job, family, and friends.  The game plan should be geared towards finding the joy in everything I do while I take not only professional lessons but as well as life’s wisdom. I will take everything as a challenge as I continue to pay off my obligations and build the empire I have envisioned for myself and my family. This is already life happening before me and if I let this consume me then I am not living at all.

I might be very unsteady today but I know somehow, anyhow things will get better and by the time I reach that destination I am setting for myself, I will be glad that it was not the gold at the end of the road which makes this journey worthwhile but the person I have ultimately become.

Bonfire Session 04: TWISTED THOUGHTS & Inner Battle

Bonfire Session 04

The storm has calmed down after I made that basic mistake at work. I am lucky that my boss did not fire me. Probably, God has touched him and gave me a second chance. Though things are quite steady right now, challenges are still up and by tomorrow new requirements would be demanding. As much as I want to work my way out, I am stunned by the overwhelming tasks and my lack of motivation.

I knew for myself that somehow I do not belong in this sphere but I had to push myself to financially sustain myself and my family. I graduated with this knowledge and I have to use this in one way or another. I did not get a degree in writing so there’s no way I could make money on it on a larger scale. I am meant to tackle figures and do what my position had laid before me.

Despite the urging thoughts for change and finding my ultimate niche, I am left with no to little option but to stand by me the profession. It was not that difficult I know that for sure but because of my twisted thoughts, everything has been drifting into craps. The very reason I am not progressing with work is that my heart was never on it and because my heart is more powerful than my mind at this point it dictated every action, outcome, and the general condition.

The Second Chance.

I am not sure if it was a blessing I did not suffer from an immediate sanction but some parts of me tell me that it is. God has a purpose why I did not die in that wasteland and why I am still on this track. He wanted me to learn a lesson I have been putting off for some time now (I said that before). I don’t know. Maybe he wants me to re-learn audit? To understand people? To move in every challenges as if it is part of my system? Or probably to transcend what is on hand into something valuable. I really don’t have a clue right now.

My friend told me that during our lifetime the purpose or meaning of all of these will eventually reveal in its shimmering glamour. Some people will realize it earlier while others, the unlucky ones, will figure it out at their death beds. Meaning comes either before, on or after. I am convinced with that. The journey will be painful or full of sufferings but there is a gem of learning in all of these.

If I believe that these challenges, pain, failures or conditions will amount to something bigger, greater, and promising then how can I glide with them without losing my mind? How can I make things right and get the job done at its most excellent level or state?

I know the answer. I’ve always known it within. Everything is a matter of perspective and attitude. If I want to alter how things and events are controlling me (which is how it is right now), I will have to command my heart and use my brain to get things done. It all starts in the heart and confirm by the mind.

So here I am in this place with the job I less enjoyed but I am grateful I am given this opportunity. I may have messed up and left my boss disgusted but I am still here. If I allow my mind and heart to dictate a performance of less value then my boss will have no option but to terminate me. I cannot allow that. I am intelligent. I am great. I am special and I have that inner power in me which is beyond ordinary. I will change for the better. I will embrace the choice I have made. I will give it another try.

While it is true that my environment is uninspiring, it should not affect me and control me. The people around must have gone into deep shits some time in their lives that made them who they are right now but that’s not my problem and it should not my problem. I should do my job, ask help if needed, and do not rely on them. I should be fully accountable on my job, my output, and my life. The job is just part of the large multi-faced concept of life, not the only component.

I love audit. When I left it, I have told my colleagues that if there’s one job that I loved it was audit regardless how challenging it was. How come I let my current condition took that away from me and how could I allow people to affect my perspective.

I am making a resolution right now. I will love my job. I will excel. I give my 100% regardless of what is on hand. I will not mind others’ negative aura or attitude. This job will help me reach my dreams and I will do everything just to safeguard. I will relearn discipline. I will learn hard work. I will the best approaches and strategies to get the job. Failure is not an option and should not be considered. This is now or never. This is an integral part of my success. Storms and strong winds will blow me down every now and then but I do not care! I will stand and keep moving. I will pick up the lesson, apply it and become the best of myself.

Finally, I thank my friends for continuously believing in me despite the episodes of incompetence and those moments I have forgotten what I made of. I am Marcus and this is my life. I am going to live it like it is the last and I will forever be grateful to God for everything I had experienced be it good or not so good. I am meant to live out the purpose of which I am created for and no one can ever stop me, not even myself.