Bonfire Session 03
It was almost 1 a.m.
No, I am not sitting
along the shore
Or star-gazing at
universe’s beauty;
No, I am not facing
the bonfire
I am inside my flat…
At 1 a.m. in my
former city, I still can see people walking with enthusiasm along the street.
Some are already drunk while others are just trying to get by with chitchats
and activities to help them forget about their lives. There are children
playing under the moonlight while worried parents are waiting for them home. The
street is a picture of celebration and loss—enticingly alluring yet hauntingly
heartrending. Today, I couldn’t put into words my immediate space. It is empty.
At momentary instances, there are cars that drive by but vanish at once. I
tried to think how both worlds existed in my head and how I manage to survive.
Countless times
during the day and extremely infinite during free time, I think of two worlds
existing in a parallel fashion. One space
is the reality I have chosen and the other I have
forgone. I always try to virtually jump into that world and try to relive the ‘what could have been’ while I live in the present. I blast myself
to that place where I did not choose to stay and evaluate the feel, the
rightness or wrongness or I don’t know how to spell it. Most of the time I
spent living in two worlds where I experience both joy and tremendous sadness,
probably because I have to physiologically pick only one from both equally
valid choices and which provide different spheres of actualization and
fulfillment.
Red
or Blue: I Could Not Have Both
No matter how I push
it hard, I have chosen one; not because I want to but that’s how this universe
operates—red pill or blue pill.
I did leave home. I
am working overseas. I might want to stay and savor quality time with my family
and friends but that won’t save us today; that won’t liberate me. For the
longest time, I continuously contest my choice. I fool myself that had I
remained I could still meet the essentials, but
now it is evident---it is close to impossible.
It was not the first
time I am confronted with two worlds. In the past after choosing one, I
continue to live in the other dimension through my mind; in that way, I get by
and I live. Today it was different, I made a straight decision. I cannot live
both worlds inside my head. I need to embrace and live out the other when
redemption comes.
The decision I had
made and the inclusions of it never really made sense until this moment. Now, I
understand that I need to spearhead change and rewrite the story of my life, as
well as my family. I will be the shield while our defenses take some regular
maintenance. I will be the warrior who will build the pipelines of our
long-term streams. I am now part of the front-liners.
Everything around me
might not be the way I have envisioned it to be but somehow I am convinced that
this world has brewed something special. One day, when it is permissible, I
will again attempt to cross over and lived that other world but on this time with
a new whole me and a story written differently.