Bonfire Session 04: TWISTED THOUGHTS & Inner Battle

Bonfire Session 04

The storm has calmed down after I made that basic mistake at work. I am lucky that my boss did not fire me. Probably, God has touched him and gave me a second chance. Though things are quite steady right now, challenges are still up and by tomorrow new requirements would be demanding. As much as I want to work my way out, I am stunned by the overwhelming tasks and my lack of motivation.

I knew for myself that somehow I do not belong in this sphere but I had to push myself to financially sustain myself and my family. I graduated with this knowledge and I have to use this in one way or another. I did not get a degree in writing so there’s no way I could make money on it on a larger scale. I am meant to tackle figures and do what my position had laid before me.

Despite the urging thoughts for change and finding my ultimate niche, I am left with no to little option but to stand by me the profession. It was not that difficult I know that for sure but because of my twisted thoughts, everything has been drifting into craps. The very reason I am not progressing with work is that my heart was never on it and because my heart is more powerful than my mind at this point it dictated every action, outcome, and the general condition.

The Second Chance.

I am not sure if it was a blessing I did not suffer from an immediate sanction but some parts of me tell me that it is. God has a purpose why I did not die in that wasteland and why I am still on this track. He wanted me to learn a lesson I have been putting off for some time now (I said that before). I don’t know. Maybe he wants me to re-learn audit? To understand people? To move in every challenges as if it is part of my system? Or probably to transcend what is on hand into something valuable. I really don’t have a clue right now.

My friend told me that during our lifetime the purpose or meaning of all of these will eventually reveal in its shimmering glamour. Some people will realize it earlier while others, the unlucky ones, will figure it out at their death beds. Meaning comes either before, on or after. I am convinced with that. The journey will be painful or full of sufferings but there is a gem of learning in all of these.

If I believe that these challenges, pain, failures or conditions will amount to something bigger, greater, and promising then how can I glide with them without losing my mind? How can I make things right and get the job done at its most excellent level or state?

I know the answer. I’ve always known it within. Everything is a matter of perspective and attitude. If I want to alter how things and events are controlling me (which is how it is right now), I will have to command my heart and use my brain to get things done. It all starts in the heart and confirm by the mind.

So here I am in this place with the job I less enjoyed but I am grateful I am given this opportunity. I may have messed up and left my boss disgusted but I am still here. If I allow my mind and heart to dictate a performance of less value then my boss will have no option but to terminate me. I cannot allow that. I am intelligent. I am great. I am special and I have that inner power in me which is beyond ordinary. I will change for the better. I will embrace the choice I have made. I will give it another try.

While it is true that my environment is uninspiring, it should not affect me and control me. The people around must have gone into deep shits some time in their lives that made them who they are right now but that’s not my problem and it should not my problem. I should do my job, ask help if needed, and do not rely on them. I should be fully accountable on my job, my output, and my life. The job is just part of the large multi-faced concept of life, not the only component.

I love audit. When I left it, I have told my colleagues that if there’s one job that I loved it was audit regardless how challenging it was. How come I let my current condition took that away from me and how could I allow people to affect my perspective.

I am making a resolution right now. I will love my job. I will excel. I give my 100% regardless of what is on hand. I will not mind others’ negative aura or attitude. This job will help me reach my dreams and I will do everything just to safeguard. I will relearn discipline. I will learn hard work. I will the best approaches and strategies to get the job. Failure is not an option and should not be considered. This is now or never. This is an integral part of my success. Storms and strong winds will blow me down every now and then but I do not care! I will stand and keep moving. I will pick up the lesson, apply it and become the best of myself.

Finally, I thank my friends for continuously believing in me despite the episodes of incompetence and those moments I have forgotten what I made of. I am Marcus and this is my life. I am going to live it like it is the last and I will forever be grateful to God for everything I had experienced be it good or not so good. I am meant to live out the purpose of which I am created for and no one can ever stop me, not even myself.

Bonfire Session 03: Both Worlds

Bonfire Session 03

It was almost 1 a.m.

No, I am not sitting along the shore

Or star-gazing at universe’s beauty;

No, I am not facing the bonfire

I am inside my flat…

At 1 a.m. in my former city, I still can see people walking with enthusiasm along the street. Some are already drunk while others are just trying to get by with chitchats and activities to help them forget about their lives. There are children playing under the moonlight while worried parents are waiting for them home. The street is a picture of celebration and loss—enticingly alluring yet hauntingly heartrending. Today, I couldn’t put into words my immediate space. It is empty. At momentary instances, there are cars that drive by but vanish at once. I tried to think how both worlds existed in my head and how I manage to survive.

Countless times during the day and extremely infinite during free time, I think of two worlds existing in a parallel fashion. One space is the reality I have chosen and the other I have forgone. I always try to virtually jump into that world and try to relive the ‘what could have been’ while I live in the present. I blast myself to that place where I did not choose to stay and evaluate the feel, the rightness or wrongness or I don’t know how to spell it. Most of the time I spent living in two worlds where I experience both joy and tremendous sadness, probably because I have to physiologically pick only one from both equally valid choices and which provide different spheres of actualization and fulfillment.

Red or Blue: I Could Not Have Both

No matter how I push it hard, I have chosen one; not because I want to but that’s how this universe operates—red pill or blue pill.

I did leave home. I am working overseas. I might want to stay and savor quality time with my family and friends but that won’t save us today; that won’t liberate me. For the longest time, I continuously contest my choice. I fool myself that had I remained I could still meet the essentials, but now it is evident---it is close to impossible.

It was not the first time I am confronted with two worlds. In the past after choosing one, I continue to live in the other dimension through my mind; in that way, I get by and I live. Today it was different, I made a straight decision. I cannot live both worlds inside my head. I need to embrace and live out the other when redemption comes.

The decision I had made and the inclusions of it never really made sense until this moment. Now, I understand that I need to spearhead change and rewrite the story of my life, as well as my family. I will be the shield while our defenses take some regular maintenance. I will be the warrior who will build the pipelines of our long-term streams. I am now part of the front-liners.

Everything around me might not be the way I have envisioned it to be but somehow I am convinced that this world has brewed something special. One day, when it is permissible, I will again attempt to cross over and lived that other world but on this time with a new whole me and a story written differently.